I'm starting today with a song
After the Storm
Here are the lyrics:
And now why this song is so meaningful to me. Yesterday, I got a punch in the gut. Not literally, but figureatively. TinkerBean officially has Asperger's Syndrome. I sat on the too comfy cough in the Doctor's office and let him bitch slap me. I took it stoically and without emotion, however, internally I will never be able to tell anyone how I felt. I have told a few members of family, a few close friends, and her teachers. Now you know. Now go listen again. This is our hill. There is no blame, no answers why and I will not ask or answer those questions. God, Thank You for blessing me with this child and may You have mercy on anyone who stands in our way this journey to "get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair"
People at Barnes and Nobles think I'm crazy. I probably am. See no one has seen me cry about it. I've not lost it or let it show. I've been brave, TinkerBean doesn't know and won't for a while. How do you explain to your child her brain is different? How do you accept it? I want to scream "Fuck you Asperger's why my kid? Doesn't she have enough to deal with?" It's one thing to suspect something, but a complete other to have a world renowned Specialist in Austim Spectrum Disorders tell you your child has Asperger's. It becomes real, palpable, undeniable. I was not caught unaware, but it was still a shock. Back to B&N. I went to B&N while waiting for Best Buy to open and put out a fire (a whole other story for another day). I perused the parenting special needs kids and went to craft books. There was a gentleman in the home repair section. I feel so bad for him. I spent 15 mins 'losing my noodle'. He wanted to say something and run away from the crazy lady crying in front of knitting books. Finally, his flight instinct won and I was alone. Stupid knitting books, I don't even like to knit.
Emotions are high but I can give you a piece of advice. If someone tells you their child has Austism, Asperger's, PPD-NOS, Sensory Perception Disorder, or any other non life threatening special need don't say I'm sorry, because we're not. God gives us these kids because we can deal with this, we may cry and yell and vent, but we will prevail. It's not always a bad thing. For those of you who said I'm sorry, don't worry, yesterday I needed that, but today, today is new
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
After the Storm
Here are the lyrics:
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.
Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.
I will die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair
And now why this song is so meaningful to me. Yesterday, I got a punch in the gut. Not literally, but figureatively. TinkerBean officially has Asperger's Syndrome. I sat on the too comfy cough in the Doctor's office and let him bitch slap me. I took it stoically and without emotion, however, internally I will never be able to tell anyone how I felt. I have told a few members of family, a few close friends, and her teachers. Now you know. Now go listen again. This is our hill. There is no blame, no answers why and I will not ask or answer those questions. God, Thank You for blessing me with this child and may You have mercy on anyone who stands in our way this journey to "get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair"
People at Barnes and Nobles think I'm crazy. I probably am. See no one has seen me cry about it. I've not lost it or let it show. I've been brave, TinkerBean doesn't know and won't for a while. How do you explain to your child her brain is different? How do you accept it? I want to scream "Fuck you Asperger's why my kid? Doesn't she have enough to deal with?" It's one thing to suspect something, but a complete other to have a world renowned Specialist in Austim Spectrum Disorders tell you your child has Asperger's. It becomes real, palpable, undeniable. I was not caught unaware, but it was still a shock. Back to B&N. I went to B&N while waiting for Best Buy to open and put out a fire (a whole other story for another day). I perused the parenting special needs kids and went to craft books. There was a gentleman in the home repair section. I feel so bad for him. I spent 15 mins 'losing my noodle'. He wanted to say something and run away from the crazy lady crying in front of knitting books. Finally, his flight instinct won and I was alone. Stupid knitting books, I don't even like to knit.
Emotions are high but I can give you a piece of advice. If someone tells you their child has Austism, Asperger's, PPD-NOS, Sensory Perception Disorder, or any other non life threatening special need don't say I'm sorry, because we're not. God gives us these kids because we can deal with this, we may cry and yell and vent, but we will prevail. It's not always a bad thing. For those of you who said I'm sorry, don't worry, yesterday I needed that, but today, today is new
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
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